What if death were better?

I’ve said in no uncertain terms that I am going through a very difficult time right now. There is a marked difference between the kind of suffering one experiences when it’s due to your own faults and foibles, or outright sins, and when you really are innocent, suffering because someone else sinned is markedly worse than suffering because you did something that led to the suffering.

It’s especially painful when the people who have sinned against you will probably never be held accountable in any way, shape or form, and also couldn’t care less that their actions led to arguably the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. This kind of pain is the kind of pain that starts to impact your brain and your mind, you start to get a sense of the unreality of the world. This is probably why Buddhism tends toward solving the problem of pain and suffering with detachment, by seeing that the world isn’t real the pain and suffering in it cease to determine your feelings.

But the Christian doesn’t have that option. The Christian deals with sorrow by lamenting it is happening. This is because the Christian practices benevolent detachment, taking the struggles of this world and giving them to God. Instead of removing the mind from the equation we place the mind in right relation to God. That’s actually what sadness does, it is a recognition of the badness of things and by acknowledging the truth, that things are bad, you give up control and allow God to be God and reality to be reality.

But there are pains in this world that we can’t recover from. This is why Frodo left middle earth. If you’re forced to carry the ring, or abuse, neglect, or maybe even disappointment and failure repeatedly, the human mind simply has limits. Frodo said he felt like butter spread over too much bread. We are finite creatures, we can only handle so much pain. That’s why people kill themselves sometimes. They just can’t take anymore.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how much I would like to die recently. And it makes me sad because that really feels like the best way my life could go right now. My life is a mess that can’t be untangled. The American says “no! God can fix anything! Don’t give up hope!” But that’s not what the Apostle Paul said.

For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain. But if I go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. So what shall I choose? I do not know. I am torn between the two. I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is far better indeed. But it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body.

Paul and I are very different people in almost every regard. I have never been an important person in any church I’ve attended, or mattered to any community I was apart of. My absence from the body of Christ on earth would do no harm, in fact it could probably do some good, it would merely be the removal of a regular sinner. I am in no way, and have never been, useful to the church. Paul has come to see that it is better for him to be with Christ except that it is good for the church that he stick around. Well that makes my choice easy, death is preferred to life.

This seems like such a sad conclusion, and I’ve felt sad and bad about this perspective up till today. Now I’m wondering if it isn’t so sad.

Tim Keller used to say that Americans were depressed because they were depressed. They knew they were supposed to be happy and because they weren’t, because they were depressed, they felt even more depressed. Instead of just accepting that depression is a part of life they, in essence, tried to control depression through depression.

That’s sort of where I’ve been. Sad about the fact that it would be better if I were dead, instead of leading the kind of life that is well, worthy of living. And yes it is a sad thought, for sure. But if Paul could come to the conclusion that death was preferred to life then that must be a somewhat holy perspective to have. And given how down on the things of this world Jesus was, caring about your life going on much longer doesn’t seem to be a great thing for the Christian. Coming to a point of recognition that in some sense escaping this world is preferred to merely existing in it any longer when your life has no purpose, which mine does not and I’m not sure it ever really did, that is a good thing.

There is tension here though because while Paul knows that to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord he knows that we merely sleep in Christ till the resurrection. The story isn’t over yet for the Christian at death, there is much more coming. But how wonderful to know that it’s okay that my life no longer has meaning. I suppose we all wish we had better lives than we did, though I’d gladly exchange mine for many others. My days on earth have not been fun. I have often felt that it would have been better if I had never been born, and unlike George Bailey it’s clear to me that my absence would’ve had basically no negative impact on the world. Who knows, maybe I’m wrong but if you’ve only experienced failure in life there are really only two perspectives: 1) something better is coming, success may still lay ahead 2) my life has been a waste, maybe God did some stuff through me I don’t know about.

But that’s what I’m wondering about today. Maybe that’s the gift I’ve been given. Instead of being sad that it would be better if I were dead, maybe if I accept that this is true and in accepting it’s truthfulness arrive at the conclusion that the things of this world are garbage compared with God, then I guess it’s not so sad that I’d rather be dead. Maybe longing for death is a way of practicing benevolent detachment. I think I’d be less sad about this stuff if my perspective really were more like Paul’s, but the pain comes in because I do still long for this world and the things it has to offer, but the gift God has given me is that by denying me the gifts of this world he’s starting to detach me from them.

The people that jumped out of buildings when the stock market crashed, they were in the opposite position of what I’m talking about. They couldn’t live in a world without the things of this world. But I think the kind of pain and sorrow that makes someone too little butter, that’s different. You’re tired of this world more than longing for pieces of it you can’t have. Maybe this sorrow is a gift and not a curse or punishment. Maybe a brain that’s broken by sorrow starts to disconnect from the reality of this world, not because the world is unreal but because it’s less real than God.

God gives his children different gifts. To some he gives careers, children, and ministry and I guess to others he gives sorrow and futility. My gift is that I get to be sad. If the white ships were sailing to the undying lands tomorrow I would get on them. I suspect that’s not common, most would probably have reasons to stay. God has taken away my reasons to stay. I suppose that’s the greatest gift of all.

If you’re struggling with suicide, this is not an endorsement of suicide and you should seek help.